Rediscovering me

Change isn't really my thing. Yet, as I told you not so long ago, 2013 will bring a welcome new beginning to our family.

I'm looking forward to more than our new home, however. The calendar doesn't know our circumstances, this I know, but after the worst year of my 32 years, I can't help but feel this year has to be better than last.

I'm sad to speak like this. I've had a marvelous life and never have I wished for a year to end the way I wished for 2012 to end. I see friends' facebook posts rejoicing in the blessings of the year, and I wish I had those sentiments. I don't. Yes, we had beautiful moments, but when I look back I see darkness and more darkness. This is not like me, the one who always see the good.

You might think I'm simply lamenting the autism diagnosis, and that's certainly part of what ailed us last year, but there was more. At every turn the devil seemed to be lurking, waiting to pounce on my fragile heart. I ached, I raged, I cried, I screamed, I prayed. (Sometimes in that order, I'm embarrassed to say.)

But the reason I feel like 2013 will be better is not because I believe our circumstances will change. Some will, but some of them almost certainly won't. What I long for most in 2013 is a change in me.

I am determined to find my way into the Light again. To look for the good. To offer my body as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1). To gratefully acknowledge the dark places as opportunities to see God's glory. And to keep breathing.... which I'll talk about more tomorrow.